In the summer of '88 The Wizard was asked by the A&P Show
Committee in Waimate (a small town in South Canterbury) to attend their
annual Agricultural and Pastoral Show with the aim of doing something to
break their drought.
Nearby districts had had rain but not a drop had fallen on Waimate
for six months and the area was completely barren. Stock had been sent away
and the Show was only being held because it was an important
social gathering for people from all over the district.
Inspired by the old Hollywood film "The Rainmaker"( starring Burt Lancaster
and Katharine Hepburn) The Wizard decided it could no harm and would
certainly cheer up the depressed locals to try out his skill as a
rain-maker. He informed the A&P Show organisers he would accept the
challenge and would design a special Rain Dance for the occasion.
Satanic Forces
As soon as the local Assembly of God heard that The Wizard was coming to do
a Rain Dance they were enraged and demanded that A&P Show committee cancel
the invitation. They put pressure on the Mayor and Council and said they
would withdraw financial support from the Show.
A battle between the forces of Good and Evil broke out. The Mayor and Show
Committee wouldn't back down and the media, who thrive on such things, made
a big issue out of it. When The Wizard arrived in Waimate some weeks later
it still hadn't rained and the local population and curious TV crew were
abuzz with anticipation.
Slowly The Wizard assembled his rain-making equipment, which included four
buckets of water, a horn, an umbrella under which hung a small red demon, a
large bass drum, his magic staff and a mug of beer.
No sooner had he begun his circular gyrations whilst beating his drum than a
strange black cloud, more like smoke than water vapour, appeared over
Waimate. An hour or two later torrential rain began to fall and the Show was
washed out. This time the rain, which fell all night and on into the next
day, fell mainly in the Waimate valley and by-passed other regions.
The Wizard adjourned to the refreshment tent to watch the downpour and
partake of the free whiskeys that were thrust into his hands by the visibly
shaken farmers. The weatherman on the National TV News that night began his
description of the day's weather with the phrase "You're not going to
believe this, but..."
A day or two later a whole page of The New York Times was devoted to
The Wizard and his spectacularly successful rain dance.This was the first
time the name of the town of Waimate had been trumpeted abroad.
Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth...
The Wizard does not accept payment for weather magic but only expects the
recognition due to his courage in undertaking such a risky business where
failure means much mockery from both believers in God
and believers in Nature. On this occasion it occurred to him that the
district could show its gratitude and at the same time solve it's major
economic problem of being three miles off the main North-South
Highway and being by-passed by all the tourist buses.
He wrote to the Mayor requesting that the town should construct a memorial
"shrine" at the site and put up a sign-post at the highway turn-off bearing
the words "Wizard's Shrine 3 Miles". His colleague, Wizard of
Dunedin, being a sculptor was prepared to execute a bronze memorial in the
form of a combined drinking-fountain and horses' trough. Water would descend
through bronze clouds onto the figure of a drum-beating
and dancing wizard and then drain into the trough below. Under the figure,
in Latin, would be the inscription "TRUST ME , I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING"
Japanese tour buses would thunder into Waimate bringing a thriving trade in
Rain Dance memorabilia and older residents could entertain visitors with
eye-witness accounts and would never need to buy their
own drinks during the tourist season.
Alas, the request met with bitter opposition from The Wizard's main rivals,
the Churches in Waimate, even though it was obvious that God must love the
Wizard more than them if he had withheld the rain in spite
of their prayers and sent it when The Wizard danced. Unless of course the
rain was "satanic", in which case the farmers shouldn't take advantage of it.
The Wizard's shrine was never built and Waimate still languishes as a
rarely-visited rural backwater.
Curiouser And Curiouser
Following this well publicised "supernatural" occurrence. The Wizard
received a call from the City of Nelson. This time the crisis was an urban
water shortage. Due to the unusual failure of the winter rains, the
reservoirs were dangerously empty. Once again the Mayor requested The
Wizard's aid and once again he performed his Rain Dance. This time it was
performed at the bottom of the beautiful Cathedral Steps. There
were no religious detractors of any significance since Nelson, besides being
a centre of arts, crafts and viniculture is also, like Christchurch, an
Anglican Cathedral city.
As he commenced his stately circlings, horn blowing, drum beating etc.to his
great joy the Cathedral bells rang out.
Once again the rains came to the call but only after three days. The
reservoirs were quickly filled by the continuous downpour. This time The
Wizard only claimed half the credit, modestly conceding that the God of
The Anglicans should also be thanked. This time there was no media coverage
as there was no public hostility or unpleasantness.
Two months later, on visiting Nelson on business (blessing a new shop), The
Wizard found it was still raining and received many complaints and angry
requests to "turn it off".
Auckland - A City Ruled By Fear
There were no major droughts or urban water shortages for some years after
this, then ( in April 1994) the Wizard was approached to perform by a public
relations firm in Auckland who represented Watercare Services. Auckland, a
city of over a million inhabitants, was in a real crisis owing to the failure
of winter rain over the reservoir catchment areas.
The crisis was so grave that no baths were allowed and toilets were only
flushed when essential. Emergency plans were being rushed through Parliament
to authorise a pipe line to the Waikato river in spite of the
great cost, and potential impact both on the environment and on the
extremely sensitive nature of Maori land owners.
The Wizard pointed out that he would not intrude on other peoples territory
without being invited by the legitimate authorities and asked the firm to
arrange an invitation from the four City Councils that govern
Auckland.
Only one City Council, North Shore, showed any interest, the others just did
not want to know. The Wizard received a delightful letter of invitation from
North Shore City (with a charming little poem) looking forward to his visit
and informing him that no doubt lots of children would love to be present.
The date was set for late May, unless of course it rained before then.
Then, a day or two before his departure, like a thunderbolt out of the blue,
The Wizard received a letter from The North Shore City Council regretting
they had to cancel their invitation as they had received a massive number of
complaints that, since The Wizard was a practitioner of the Black Arts, he
should under no circumstances be allowed to come to Auckland and perform a
Rain Dance. Presumably, their prayers having failed, they were not keen to
suffer the fate of the Waimate Fundamentalists.
The talk back radio stations, that are very popular in Auckland, were
dominated for several days by a very serious debate as to whether The Wizard
should be allowed into Auckland to do his Rain Dance or not.
Everyone outside Auckland was amazed and justifiably alarmed at the
revelation that the city was being influenced and even controlled by a
powerful and influential group of religious maniacs.
Go to the exciting conclusion of
“The
Rain-Dance Kid”...
Other examples of post-modern wizardry can be found on the
Wizard's Home Page.
