Dorothy – 15/9/00
This article was triggered by discussion with Srikandi, a young Indonesian woman visiting New Zealand.
Some people tend to generalise about the lives of working mothers, but there are no set patterns to their lives.
Srikandi has been only a short time in New Zealand but has been struck by the contrasts between family life here and in Indonesia.
The life of one Indonesian working mother Srikandi’s mother works to help support the family. They are a middle class family and live in a house with a small garden. Her mother’s daily routine is very different from that of a working mother in New Zealand. She gets up at 3 am, cooks rice and vegetables, prepares tea and coffee. She does the laundry by hand using a scrubbing board and detergent and hangs the washing outside.
At 5 am she says her prayers, has a bath, goes out and purchases chicken from a large vendor and has it chopped into pieces. She walks for about fifteen minutes to a huge roofed open air market and sits selling the chicken pieces till the middle of the afternoon. Then she does her shopping, puts the food in the refrigerator, says more prayers, prepares the meal, reads the newspaper, does the cleaning, gives her husband a massage, serves the meal and does the dishes – all without help from the men in the house. She does not allow herself to go to sleep until her husband is sleeping.
Her husband controls the household money, but as theirs is a good marriage her views on spending are taken seriously.
Bringing up children Two aspects of bringing up young children Srikandi especially noticed. "In Indonesia," Srikandi said, "babies are not allowed to crawl. We think that crawling is moving like an animal so the baby is limited in its movement. I have been so surprised to see babies being allowed to crawl all over the house.
"I’ve also been surprised to notice that babies are left to cry. In my country the baby is treated as a little god and has every want satisfied. This permissive life continues until children are aged about ten." Children are cared for by a nanny – babu – until they are about ten years old.
Respect for the father and family "The second god in the house is father," Srikandi continued. "If the children are criticised by him, even though they are adults, they do not look at their father’s eyes. They bow their heads and listen without looking up."
She stressed the importance of the connections with other members of the extended family. Even an adult wishing to marry is expected to ask the blessing of people in the same or earlier generations – even of an aunt who is younger than s/he is.
Education At age four or five children attend Taman Kanak and Kanak – the two stages of pre-school education. Then comes Sekolah Dasar, primary school from seven to twelve years old. Students then attend Sekolah Menengah Pertama – junior secondary school – for three years and Sekolah Menengah Umum – senior secondary school – for three years.
Until they are fifteen young people in Srikandi’s home receive religious instruction reading the Koran in the evening, taking turns from the oldest to the youngest, and drinking coffee to ensure that they stay awake.
There is no set bedtime, but girls are expected to get up at 5 am to train them for their future role as wives and mothers. Boys are allowed to sleep until 7 am.
Young adults live in the parents’ home. Srikandi was surprised to learn that so many young people in New Zealand leave home at seventeen or eighteen years old to live in a flat even when they are living in the same city as their parents. In Indonesia they live at home until they are married or have employment in a different city, as was the custom in New Zealand until the 1970s. Sometimes the young couple will live with the parents of one of them even after they are married.
The life of a Taiwanese working mother Chu, a Taiwanese nurse, worked right up to the birth of her first child, as was the pattern for staff in the Government hospital where she worked. She told me that in Taiwan it is usual for both parents to work, as the salary of one parent is insufficient to meet the family’s expenses. Chu looked after her baby for about a month – the statutory maternity leave for employees of the government. Then she needed someone to care for her baby. Taiwanese women prefer to ask members of the family if they can offer baby care. If this is not possible they employ a woman to come into the home each day.
Chu is most appreciative of the support given by her parents at that time. They gave her baby loving and patient care. Chu and her husband were living in Taipei and the grandparents were in Tainan, some five hours’ travel from Taipei. Chu was working in the department for patient admissions and had changing shifts. Whenever she and her husband could arrange several days leave they would visit their daughter, but she would be quite shy with these people who were comparative strangers to her.
Chu’s parents continued to care for the little girl until she was five years old. Then they moved to Taipei and lived close to Chu. The little girl went to kindergarten and then primary school and returned by bus to her grandparents when the school day finished. Chu then had her second daughter. Again the grandparents cared for the baby when Chu returned to her job. She was now able to arrange for regular hours in a position giving information to patients being admitted to hospital. After work she collected her daughters and went home. Her day’s work was not over. She had to cook the meal, and keep the apartment clean. Most women have all the housekeeping responsibilities in Taiwan, but Chu was fortunate because her husband enjoys cooking and would sometimes arrive home first and cook the evening meal. After the meal one of her parents would read stories to their older daughter. When everyone had had a bath Chu would put the clothes in the washing machine – the end of a long day.
When their second daughter was nine years old the family moved to New Zealand.
The lives of two New Zealand working mothers Lois Lois has cared for her three children on her own since the youngest child was two years old. She has raised the family on her own for ten years, so they have worked out their own routine to fit in with their varied interests and commitments.
As sole carer her health is of prime importance, so Lois ensures that she has regular exercise by going walking from 6.30 to 7.00 am. The family are responsible for setting their own alarms and getting up at the right time. Lois prepares the lunches for the family to take with them.
Music is very important for the family so the younger girl gets up early to do her piano practice and then bikes to school or catches the bus if she is carrying her trumpet.
Her son has to be out of the house by 8 am. Her older daughter, now a university student, starts lectures at 10 am and practises the piano when the younger two have left the house.
Her son and daughters all take their share in the running of the household. They make their beds and get their own breakfast, read the newspaper while they eat, and rinse and stack the dishes.
Washing is done each day with a light coloured load alternating with a load of dark colours. It is put in the machine during the day and the last person going to bed starts the machine. Lois hangs the washing on the line before leaving at 8.45 to teach music pupils in two different schools on four days each week. She arrives home by 2.45, has a cup of tea, brings in the washing, relaxes and plans the evening meal. From 3.30 to 5.30 she teaches pupils. The timing of the evening meal has to be flexible as it needs to allow for family members playing netball or attending practices of the youth symphonic band. Everyone takes a share in clearing away the meal, doing the dishes and folding the washing.
Lois has had no immediate family to help if one of her children has been sick or had a problem which disrupts the routine. She has employed assistance during such times. She has made every effort not to place parenting responsibilities on her oldest child.
She is grateful that she has marketable skills that allow her a flexible programme, and that as a teacher she has school holidays free and has been able to share these times with her children.
The children have some contact with their father who contributes towards their support.
Maree Maree and Brett had been married some time and had both been working fulltime until Nathan was born. They were delighted with his arrival and Maree stayed at home to look after him. He was such a placid baby that she found that she had a lot of spare time on her hands and was rather lonely. She would keep the pram handy with the bag packed with what Nathan needed and would go walking regardless of the weather just to get out of the house. When Nathan was six weeks old she contacted the accountant for whom she had worked for ten years and inquired about returning to part-time work. He welcomed the suggestion and made flexible arrangements about hours and about time off if Nathan were sick.
Maree found a day care centre which was close to her work and had a nursery for children under two years old attached to the pre-school. She is a firm believer in the value of breast feeding and pumped breast milk for Nathan every morning. She also believes that cloth nappies (diapers) are more healthy than disposables so she coped with the extra laundry that involved.
After ten months she weaned Nathan and returned to work full time. Her husband changed his work arrangements and became what she describes as ‘a fabulous house husband’. He left his job and took contracts to manufacture furniture at home.
Nathan is now four years old, has adjusted well to the routine at the day care and enjoys the continuity of friends and staff this has provided.
Maree describes her marriage to Brett as a real partnership. They share the same ideas about bringing up their son and his welfare is of primary importance to both of them. They share their care of him and they share the household chores. Breakfast is an important family time and they all sit at the table without the distractions of television. They eat their evening meal about 6.30, often enjoying a casserole made in advance and held in the freezer. Both parents enjoy reading Nathan stories at bedtime, which is about 7.45. He is learning the alphabet, is very keen on rugby and can link the names of All Blacks with letters of the alphabet. The clothes are washed by machine at night and hung out in the morning or in bad weather dried around the pot belly stove. Brett works on Saturdays and Maree and Nathan clean the house, do some cooking and spend time in the back garden.
Nathan starts school next year and has already visited the primary school in the neighbourhood and met his teacher. His parents are determined that he will come home to find one of his parents there to listen to the news of his day and share his concerns – something they both remember and value from their childhood. To make this possible Maree and Brett will work staggered hours.
Differences make living in a new culture a real challenge. The family patterns of the women I interviewed differ markedly but seem to work out well for each of them. The contrasts make us more aware of the need for flexible attitudes when people move to live in a different culture and mix with people with a very different lifestyle.