ALF’s Imperial Army

– The Wizard Of New Zealand – 30/1/97


Since 1973 many Kiwis and visitors must have had glimpses of a strange, uniquely New Zealand phenomenon, ALF’s Imperial Army.

CHARGE!
I had founded the Army earlier at Melbourne University to fight battles outside the student and administration buildings as an experiment in “paradoxical intention” to counter the increasing mindless campus violence of the early 70s.

I deliberately chose to design an army that was a complete contrast to the protesters and terrorists who were rapidly growing in numbers at the time. All these groups were proudly “anti-imperialist”, wore drab khaki battles and Che Guevera berets, were all “equal” except for a god-like leader and all justified their actions with badly written manifestos full of political and sociological gobbledegook.

Showmanship, Style And The Articles Of War What could more of a contrast than an Imperial Army, loyal to the principle of Monarchy, dressed in pith helmets, red jackets and white webbing, who agreed to my new Articles of War restricting weapons to rolled-newspaper swords, flour bombs, buckets of water and noxious missiles fired from primitive ballistas or cannons. Most important of all, only to fight people who invited us to.

Creative Writing And Making History Important too was my encouragement of creative writing in the form of inflammatory ultimata, the creation of a noble, colourful and convincing History to justify our wars and to produce dramatic reporting of our victories in battle ( regardless of what actually happened on the battlefield).

ALF’s Imperial Army Invades New Zealand And Spreads The army “invaded” New Zealand in 1973 under their brave leader Colonel Catford, now the Duke Of Wellington and soon became very popular. Having founded the First Regiment in Christchurch and having led his troops in many glorious battles, the Colonel was transferred to Wellington where he founded the Second Regiment. At the same time in Palmerston North and Dunedin, Andrew Smith and Wayne Eversion formed Alf regiments on their own initiative.

By the mid 70s battles were breaking out all over the South Island and the Wellington region. War was everywhere. Regiments travelled extensively to attack each other and a host of enemies who were foolhardy enough to provoke us.

The Army Flourishes Over the years uniforms became more elaborate, greatly influenced by the film “Zulu”, complicated but increasingly dysfunctional devices were devised to hurl missiles, medals with distinctive ribbons were designed for campaigns. Outstanding bravery on the field and the army became a way of life with Regimental Messes in each town complete with bar and imperialistic decor. A Regiment of Ex-Pats was eventually formed in London, “The Colonials”.

Other Armies Appear After ten years of filling New Zealand with the sounds of war and the sight of young imperialists swaggering down the streets, other armies began to spring up. Notable among these was the McGilliguddy’s Flying Claymores”, who are still active, but we must not forget “The Fighting Fireman of Fort Custard” in Mapua, “Aunt Fanny’s Sewing Circle” from Takaka who fought with household cleaning implements and fired pudding mix, “The Black Macs” of Blenheim, “The Rough Riders”of Christchurch and the many small armies in Dunedin, a town which has provided so many brave warriors. The more mature officers in ALF’s Imperial Army formed their own mercenary army modelled on the French Foreign Legion and all the ALF’s enjoyed the occasional opportunity to let their hair down and become an undisciplined barbarian army but never khaki clad republicans or revolutionaries.

Glorious Battles Of The Past Without extensive research into the yellowing copies of the Imperial Illustrated Gazette a complete list of the hundreds of battles fought in New Zealand could not be made. However I can list a few of the most memorable: The Imperial British Conservative Party Candidate in the 1978 General election, Tinkerbell, leading the army against the hordes of Anne Hercus, the Labour Party Candidate, the traumatising Battle With The Nudists at their annual Summer Camp, the Battle of Hagley Park when I was rescued after three days of captivity by terrorists, the Invasion of Otago University by the Canterbury Regiment, The Capture of Coronet Peak and the sea-borne invasion of Queenstown, the “multiple-interactive” Battle with hundreds of schoolboys at Blenheim College, the terrying encounter with the Girls of St Margaret’s, the marine Battle with the Pirates on Lake Victoria, the Battle with The Police at Invercargill, the Defeat of the Mud men at the hippy Rock Festival at Punakaiki, The Festivals of War at Golden Bay, the Seize of the Avalon TV Studios by the combined armies of both North and South Islands, the Battle with film ex-extras at Wanaka, the Khan Wars, the Battle on the Ice by the Leith River in Dunedin are just some of the spectacular conflicts branded on my mind.

The Landing
The Future… The Invasion Of America Having conquered New Zealand years ago the army is beginning to lose its elan and ferocity and is drifting into empty formalism and bureaucratisation. Like any other great leader I am aware that the only way to revive the fighting spirit at this stage in our history is to attack a foreign power. I have been laying plans for the invasion of America since the 1970s, it is now time to put them into action!

More details of the history of Alf’s Imperial Army and the plan to invade America can be found on my brilliant [link redacted as no longer operating – Ed.] (with other examples of post-modern wizardry).